


DM of the Wings: The Fellowship of the Onion Rings

by Renmackree



Series: DM of the Wings [2]
Category: Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game), The Lord of the Rings (Movies)
Genre: It's a D&D campaign through the lens of Lord of the rings, Mostly just putting it up for my friends and I, Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-03
Updated: 2016-05-03
Packaged: 2018-06-06 04:16:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 35
Words: 2,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6737896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Renmackree/pseuds/Renmackree
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While watching Lord of the Rings one evening, my friends and I realized how much like our campaigns it was.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It begins.

  


Transcript  
DM: Alright guys, are you ready for your first D&D Campaign?  
Frodo: Wooo! Yeah!!! What's first?  
DM: Character creation. You can be an Elf, a Dwarf, or a Human-- 


	2. Chapter 2

  


Gandalf is an NPC since all the characters would start at a lower level. Plus, it's fun to be the wizard.

Transcript  
Frodo: I want to be a half-human. That hobbit you were talking about.  
DM: What? No, those are just NPCs, they just set up the plot--  
Frodo: No! I want to be the halfling. Ok? Frodo Baggins.  
DM: Ok! Fine, you can be a hobbit! What class do you want?  
Frodo: I was thinking a rouge.  
DM: Oh my god....


	3. Chapter 3

Transcript  
DM: Ok, so while the others make their characters, I'll fill you in on the plot.  
DM: This is Bilbo Baggins---  
Frodo: Baggins?? Is he related to me?  
DM: Yes. Sure. He's your uncle. 


	4. Chapter 4

This is usually how my campaigns go... So you aren't confused, Tyarn plays both Pippin and Merry.

Transcript  
DM: Alright so Bilbo is planning to make a pilgrimage to the Elfin realms--  
DM: Where they are going to have this melding of the races. A Peace Summit.  
Frodo : Wait, so if my uncle is leaving, do I get his stuff?  
DM: I mean-- Sure. You get his Hobbit hole, some priceless artifacts, there's a family ring--  
Pippin: Oh! What does the ring do?!  
DM: Oh look, Tyarn finished her character.  
Merry: Characters. I couldn't decide so I made two.


	5. Chapter 5

Transcript  
DM: You made two characters?? You can't-- Ok. Fine. What class are...  
Pippin: Merry and Pippin are Rouge Hobbits.  
Frodo: Hey! What if we're all related?  
DM: Oh god, what have I-- Is anyone else done with their character?  
Aragorn: I've been done since before Sam. I'm a Human Fighter who--  
Frodo: Wait! What does the ring do?! 


	6. Chapter 6

If you're confused about the rolling, when a player asks for something impossible or impractical, I always roll percentile dice and have them guess high or low. If they get the correct percentile, their insane wish is granted. It's failed me so much in the past.

Transcript  
DM: Nothing! The ring is just--  
Frodo: Why would you bring it up if it wasn't important?  
DM: You were the one who asked-- Fine! High or Low? If you guess right, it's magical.  
Frodo: High.  
[SFX]: Rolls  
DM: 99% Fuck. Fine, the ring transports you to another plane of existence. Happy?  
DM: Now, Gandalf has to leave and Bilbo is going to the elves tomorrow. You'll meet up with Jason and the others there.  
Frodo: This ring must be evil.....


	7. Chapter 7

Transcript  
DM: How the hell did you get evil out of a magical ring? It's not-- No! Just follow Bilbo to the Elves!  
Frodo: No, I think I'm going to go after Gandalf.  
Pippin: Follow that wizard!  
Aragorn: Yeah, don't mind me. I'll just sit here and wait. No big deal, I didn't want to play tonight... 


	8. Chapter 8

Transcript  
Frodo: Alright, I want to bring my childhood friend with me too.  
DM: Fine, his name is Samwise, he's your cook and gardner. There.  
Frodo: I'm going to call him Petey so you don't confuse him with me.  
DM: What? No!  
DM: Ok, so since no one else is done besides you three, you can meet at an inn.  
Merry: OOO! An inn! What's it called?  
DM: The prancing Pony.  
Pippin: To the bar!!! 


	9. Chapter 9

Transcript  
Aragorn: Finally, ok. I--  
Frodo: I put the ring on.  
Aragorn: --Nothing. I do nothing. 


	10. Chapter 10

Transcript  
Frodo: Ok, so I'm in the evil Realm. What do I see?  
DM: I never said it  
DM: Fine, you know what? Fine. You see an evil eye that is trying to get the ring back.  
Frodo: I knew it! I take the ring off and--  
Aragorn: I grab Sam before she can do anything else.  
Frodo: What the heck kind of accent is that, Jason?

n.b. Jason-- who plays Aragorn -- had a habit of making an accent for every one of his characters. It's sort of a tradition now.


	11. Chapter 11

Transcript  
Aragorn: He's a Fighter Human named Aragorn. He spent all his life running from his destiny, King of Gannon  
DM: You can't just make your character Royalty, Jason!  
DM: And it's Gondor not Gannon...  
Aragorn: Look, if you kill my character, you can decide the fate of Gondor. But for now, I'm the estranged King.  
DM: Fine. God. Ok. You can be king.  
DM: Ok, Tyarn. You meet up with Sam and --  
Merry: Can I still get drunk? 


	12. Chapter 12

Transcript  
DM: --Because Sam put on the ring, the Ringwraiths are on their way to kill Sam.  
Frodo: Kill who now?  
Aragorn: I ready my horse. We ride to Gondor.  
DM: You can't go to Gondor.  
Aragorn: We ride for the Elves.  
DM: Finally, you ride fr the plot.  
Merry: Wait, the ring isn't the plot?  
DM: No! The ring is-- Fine. Whatever.  
Aragorn: Ok, I'll be right back. Let's make a camp and rest. 


	13. Chapter 13

Transcript  
Merry: I get drunk.  
DM: Tyarn, you don't have booze.  
Merry: I make booze?  
Frodo: Guys, why is the DM rolling?  
[SFX]: Rolling  
Frodo: Guys, why is there a figure in the fog?  
Frodo: What's going on?  
DM: Roll For initiative.  
Frodo: ---Jason?. 


	14. Chapter 14

Transcript  
DM: Since none of you are really combat orientated, I'm guessing your initiative is pretty low.  
Pippin: I got a three!  
DM: Jason! You're in combat! I'm holding your action until you get back!  
DM: Ok, so the ringwraiths move forward for their actions. What do you do, Sam?  
Frodo: I put on the ring!  
DM: They can see you clear as day. You're grappled to the ground. 


	15. Chapter 15

Transcript  
Frodo: Oh--- Crap.  
DM: Take nine damage.  
Frodo: I take the ring off!  
Aragorn: I can't even pee before you guys get into shit??  
Frodo: Sorry Jason....  
Aragorn: I roll a natural 20! Confirmed 18!  
DM: Roll for damage. 


	16. Chapter 16

Transcript  
Aragorn: 15. Also I was using a torch.  
DM: Why were you--- Fine, they run away in fear, you saved the day.  
Frodo: Yeay! We won!  
DM: Sam, you're bleeding out.  
Frodo: Oh....  
Pippin: If your character dies, I'll let you have one of mine.  
Frodo: Please let me live---  
Aragorn: I use my Elvish contacts to get him to safety.  
DM: Oh my god, fine! High or low?  
Aragorn: Low.  
DM: 04% oh come on! 


	17. Chapter 17

Transcript  
DM: Ok so Arwen is a half-elf. The daughter of Elrond, Lord of Rivendell  
DM: And she's Jason's love interest.  
Aragorn: Wait, what?? I don't want a love interest.  
DM: Too bad.  
Frodo: Is she hot?  
DM: You're passed out.  
Frodo: Oh.  
DM: And even though the Ringwraiths are following you-- 


	18. Chapter 18

Transcript  
DM: You manage to all make it to the Kingdom of the Elves, Rivendell. So I think that's a good place to stop for the night. 


	19. Chapter 19

Transcript  
Boromir: Wait, but I just finished my character!  
Legolas: I've been done for hours, I just didn't want to interrupt....  
Gimli: I'm up for more.  
DM: No. We're done for the night. I need to write up some lore for this stupid ring. 


	20. Chapter 20

Transcript  
DM: Ok, so last time we left off with the Elves. While there, you learn about the ring you found.  
DM: It was originally made by a powerful necromancer named Sauron. He used it to try and rule the whole of Middle Earth.  
DM: And it was Isildur of Gondor who finally managed to chop it off his finger.  
Aragorn: Wait. Gondor? He's not related to me right?  
DM: Yes, he's your great-great-great-great-- You're the heir of Isildur!  
Aragorn: This means I'm important to the plot now, right? 


	21. Chapter 21

Transcript  
DM: Yes.  
Aragorn: Shit. Can I take back that whole king things?  
DM: You made your bed, now lie in it. King of Gondor. Anyways---  
DM: This ring is so powerful, it contains his power. Because the ring is still around, Sauron is too. He's now a disembodied eye constantly seeking his power. in order to destroy him you have to destroy the ring.  
DM: So that brings us to the council of Elrond. Everyone go around and introduce their character. 


	22. Chapter 22

Transcript  
Legolas: My character is Legolas Greenleaf. He's an Elf ranger, Prince of the Mirkwood elves.  
DM: Christian, you can't be royalty too!  
Legolas: So Jason gets to be important but I can't be---  
DM: Fine! You can be a prince.  
Aragorn: I am Aragorn son of Arathorn, and I am called Elessar, the Elfstone, Dunadain, the Heir of Isildur Elendil's son of Gonor.  
DM: Jason, stop writing your own lore!  
Aragorn: Fine. Sup, call me Strider.  
Frodo: I'm Frodo Baggins of the Shire. I don't think I'm royal. Can I be?  
DM: No Sam. You are just a hobbit.  
Frodo: Thought so... 


	23. Chapter 23

Transcript  
Boromir: My character is Boromir. Captain of the White Tower, captain-general, High Warden of the White Tower, Steward-Prince of Gondor.  
Aragorn: You can't be the prince of Gondor. I'm the rightful king.  
Boromir: Yeah, but you don't want your title. So someone has to watch over your kingdom. Why not me?  
Frodo: Andrew, stop being a dick. 


	24. Chapter 24

Transcript  
Boromir: Sorry, pookie...  
DM: August, what about your character?  
Gimli: I'm Gimli, son of Gloin. A dwarf fighter who hates elves.  
Legolas: Why do you always play a character to antagonize me?  
DM: Christian, it's not to antagonize you.  
Gimli: No, it is. Revenge for last campaign. 


	25. Chapter 25

Transcript  
DM: ---Anyways. Tyarn texted she's going to be late today, so let's just talk about how we can destroy the ring so we can move on with the real plot.  
Boromir: Wait, destroy? That's like-- Epic loot! Why are we destroying it?  
DM: Did you not hear about the necromancer and the ring being the last connection to this plane of existance?  
Boromir: But we could use this to rule the world. Screw Gondor, I want Middle Earth!  
DM: Andrew, stop it. You can't have the ring, it's Sam's. 


	26. Chapter 26

Transcript  
Boromir: As if that's stopped me before...  
DM: Andrew!  
Boromir: What?! I'm not going to do anything! yet...  
Legolas: oh not this again...  
Aragorn: Ten bucks on Sam kicking his ass.  
DM: Anyways, back to the plot--- 


	27. Chapter 27

If you don't know; when you roll a 1 on a 20-sided die, that's a critical failure. In our campaign, rolling three 1s in a row automatically kills your character.   
On the same scale, a 20 is a critical hit/success. Rolling three 20s in a row kills the enemy right away in a bad-ass fashion.

Transcript  
DM: What will you do with this information?  
Gimli: I take my axe and bring it down on the ring-- Shit. I got a one.  
DM: Roll to confirm failure...  
Gimli: two...  
DM: You fall to the floor, your axe smashed to pieces, take two bashing damage.  
Boromir: The ring cannot be destroyed by mere tools of men  
Gimli: I'm a dwarf!  
Boromir: I don't care.  
Boromir: We must sacrifice the ring bearer, Frodo.  
DM: Andrew stop making stuff up!


	28. Chapter 28

Andrew ( Boromir ) and Sam (Frodo) are Engaged. Just something to remember.  
Transcript  
Legolas: I was wondering how long that would take.  
Aragorn: Don't you try to kill Sam in every campaign?  
Gimli: Do you ever get laid on fridays, Andrew?  
Boromir: Ha ha ha ha  
Boromir: No.  
DM: Anyways, the ring must be destroyed where it was made. in Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom  
Boromir: Mount Doom? Really?  
Boromir: Was scary rock already taken?  
Boromir: Do we have to cross the sad swamp to get there? 


	29. Chapter 29

Transcript  
Aragorn: Is there a place called lessdor in Middle Earth?  
DM: Not you too, Jason--  
Boromir: I think that's in Slightly Left Earth.  
Aragorn: Problem solved, let's just move there.  
Legolas: Well this will take an hour. I'm getting a drink.  
DM: You can't, you're in the Council of Elrond.  
Legolas: I mean out of game. Who wants a Rumcoke?  
Gimli: Is anyone else having wifi issues? my laptop seems slow.  
Frodo: Uh, guys? 


	30. Chapter 30

Transcript  
Legolas: Where's the jigger guys?  
Legolas: Never mind, I'll just eyeball it.  
Boromir: I roll to steal the ring.  
DM: You can't!  
Legolas: Whoops! Too much there.  
Gimli: --I mean really slow! It's just chugging along!  
Boromir: I roll to kill Sam.  
DM: Andrew!  
Gimli: Anyone got an Ethernet cord?  
Legolas: Christian's getting hammer tonight!  
Boromir: Fine, I just lightly bruise the Hobbit.  
Aragorn: Anyone wanna order a pizza?  
Gimli: No pineapple on the pizza!  
Legolas: Did someone say pizza?  
Boromir: Oh I'll do pizza!  
Aragorn: I'll order it then. Dominos ok?  
Boromir: Where are we on the killing Sam thing?  
[SFX]: Overlapping Chatter  
Frodo: I will move the plot forward! I will take the ring to Mount Doom.  
DM: Where was this enthusiasm when the plot was a peace treaty? 


	31. Chapter 31

Transcript  
Aragorn: Alright, as the rightful king of Gondor, I shall aid you in any way I can.  
Aragorn: Until the pizza gets here. Then you are on your own.  
Legolas: And you have my bow!   
DM: Christian, you don't have a bow.  
Legolas: I buy a bow!  
Gimli: And you have my axe. All 17 of them.  
DM: August! How over encumbered are you?  
Gimli: A bit. And by a bit, I mean a shitload.  
Boromir: I join the party too 


	32. Chapter 32

Transcript  
DM: Oh good, thanks Andrew. So the NPCs Gandalf and Samwise join you as well.  
Frodo: Hey Petey.  
DM: --sure. Whatever. Not like I gave him a name before--  
Pippin: Hey guys! Sorry I'm late.  
Pippin: Have we done anything important?  
DM: Just laid out the entire new plot I had to write because of a stupid ring...  
Merry: So nothing important then. I get a drink. 


	33. Chapter 33

Transcript  
DM: So, your party is-- Human Fighter, Human Wizard, Elfin Ranger, Dwarven Fighter, Human Fighter, three Hobbit Rouges and one Hobbit Gardener. No one wants to be a Cleric? Or a Healer of any kind?  
Boromir: Pft, who needs a healer?  
DM: I'm remembering you said that.  
Boromir: I stock up on healing potions.  
DM: We'll do inventory next ok? Just wait for everyone. 


	34. Chapter 34

Transcript  
Pippin: Can I have a familiar? Like a Guinea Pig?  
DM: No Tyarn. There are no Guinea Pigs in Middle Earth...  
Frodo: Can I have a magical sword and a chain shirt?  
DM: Yeah, sure. Whatever.  
Frodo: I'm going to call it Sting.  
Aragorn: I'll take a masterwork blade.  
DM: Fine!! You all can have whatever you want! I'll just make the encounters harder. Happy?  
Merry: I buy a deck of many things.  
DM: Anything but that. 


	35. Chapter 35

Transcript  
Aragorn: Pizza's here. I'm out.  
Frodo: Oh thank God I'm starving...  
DM: Yeah, ok. We can end for the night. Just tell me what you bought.  
Legolas: I am so drunk right now.  
DM: Yeah, time to end. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll attempt to update this once a week!


End file.
